


Shadows

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-01
Updated: 2009-06-01
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone writes Toki as being all affectionate and hugging everybody (or trying to).  But have we ever seen anything to support that?  No.  In fact, he actually seems to seek physical contact even <i>less</i> than any of the others.  Friendly yes, but touchy, no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows

_Lost in shadows a spirit cries  
Destiny speaks forbidden lies_

 

Toki was in the hot tub drinking a beer when Nathan came in. He grabbed a beer too, and joined him.  
“So um, I didn’t expect you to be here. Yet. You didn’t like your girl?”  
Toki shrugged, “She was fines.”  
“But I thought you liked to um, cuddle them or something. You know, take your time?”  
“No, not reallies.”

Then Skwisgaar came in, distracting Nathan. “Hey Skwisgaar. Done already?”  
“Ja, I onlys took one tonights. She nice, but pfft, don’t cares. You gets here first?”  
“Oh, nah. Toki was already here.”  
“Damns Toki, what’s you do, just fucks her and throws her out?”  
“So what? She gots what she cames for.”  
Skwisgaar studied him. “But I thoughts you likes de huggings part best?”  
Toki finished his beer, giving them an odd look. “Has you, either of yous, _ever_ seen me huggings anybody?” They considered, then shook their heads. “So why’s you thinks that I likes it so much?”

Skwisgaar put a few more beers in easy reach, and joined them in the hot tub. “Toki, you does like sex, rights?”  
“That part is fines, but I don’t really likes all the touchy stuff. So when we’s done, I just tell them gets off me, leaves me alone.”  
Nathan was thinking hard, “Um, I don’t really know how to say this, but like... are you gay?”  
Toki snorted. “You thinks just because I don’t wants stupid goils hanging all overs me, I’s gay?”  
Well since Nathan had already said it, Skwisgaar felt like he could comment too. “Well we’s all kind of wondered sometimes. Has you ever sleeps with a guy?”  
Toki ignored them, drinking his beer.

Skwisgaar did not accept being ignored. “Comes on, tells us. We won’t makes fun of yous.”  
He looked at them, not believing a word, and shook his head.  
Nathan was confused by this. “So, what? You’ve never fucked a guy, or you just won’t tell us?”  
Toki took a deep breath, they clearly weren’t going to let it drop.  
“Toki, yous can tells us, we won’t-“  
“Fine. I dids, okays? So whats?”  
That silenced them.

For a few minutes anyway.  
And then Nathan just had to ask, “So you like, let a guy stick his dick up your ass?”  
“Noes!” Toki rolled his eyes, _why_ did they have to discuss this? Well, if it would make them drop it, fine. “I did it to hims. It was differents, but nots any better.”  
A horrifying thought occurred to Skwisgaar. “Oh fucks Toki, it was dat clown, wasn’t it?”  
He shook his head, making a face. “Noes, just some groupie. “  
Nathan looked relieved, he really disliked that clown. “Hey uh, like what is it you’re looking for anyway? From people?”  
“I don’ts want to talk abouts it. Doesn’t matters anyways.” He climbed out and refreshed their beer supply.

They weren’t willing to let it go. Skwisgaar leaned over, grabbing a new beer. “Tells us, We’s your bands, we’s like your families right?”  
“Oh fucks no, don’ts even be joking about that. You’s _nothing_ likes my family.”  
“No, hey, we didn’t mean like.... Skwisgaar, help me out here.”  
“We means we cares about you, even though we pretends we doesn’t. Right Nathans?”  
“Um, yeah. So like, you can talk to us and stuff. If you want to.”  
Toki just sighed. “You wouldn’ts understand anyways.”

They were drunk enough to be friendly now, and since it was just the three of them, there was no real pressure to keep up appearances. Pickles always passed out on these nights, and Murderface would stay in his room. They were alone.  
“Oh come one man, talk to us. We’re... we’re your _band_.”  
“Ja, you can talks to us about de things we doesn’t understands. What is it you ams wantings?”  
Toki thought about it, contemplating his beer bottle and not meeting their eyes for so long that they thought he wasn’t going to answer at all.  
They waited.

Finally, he seemed to decide. Or maybe he was just drunk enough to feel a little trusting. Still not looking at them, he made an attempt. “Do yous ever wish... that somebody holds you, and you’d just feels... fucks, I can’t explains it.”  
“Um, like, I can do hug therapy? On you?”  
“Noes Nathan, don’t hugs me!” But it was too late. Nathan scooped Toki into a big hug, squeezing a grunt out of him.  
“Fucks Nathan, lets me go!” He pushed at the big arms trapping him.  
Nathan, even in his drunken state, could feel the tension in Toki. He released him in confusion. “Sorry?”

Skwisgaar was studying them. “So yous just doesn’t like being touched? Or whats?”  
“Ya, it’s just... not comfortables, I guess.”  
“Oh man that sucks! And um, I’m sorry I grabbed you like that.”  
Toki shrugged. “It’s okays. But just don’ts make a habits of it.” Nathan nodded.  
Skwisgaar was still watching him, with a worried expression. Sure everybody had their days, but sometimes it just felt good to sometimes curl up in someone’s arms and feel safe for a bit. Toki couldn’t have that? Ever? That really sucked. “Toki? Can I tries it?”  
“Tries what?”  
“Holdings you? You’s stronger den me, I couldn’t holds you down if I tries. So maybes I would be okays?”

Toki shrugged again. He didn’t really think it would make any difference, but Skwisgaar seemed so sincere. I t would probably be simpler to just humor him that try to explain it better. “Fines.”  
Skwisgaar scooted over, gently pulling Toki into his long arms. He pulled him down against his chest, stroking his hair in a manner that he himself found soothing.  
Toki was very still, too still.  
And then he pulled away, again refusing to look at them. His eyes seemed too bright. Was Toki close to crying?  
Despite all his crybaby jokes, Skwisgaar couldn’t joke now. “Toki, I’s sorry. What did I does wrong?”  
“Caring hurts worse.”

There was another uncomfortable silence.  
Nathan had to try again. “Well, just, we’re here for you. You know, if you need us. Or whatever.”  
With a little sniff, Toki looked at him. “I wish it was that easys Nathan, I really wish it was. But I just can’ts.”  
“Damns Toki, why’s is you so alones? We is right heres.”  
“I knows you are, but I can’ts reach you. No matter how much I wants to. It’s just... how I ams.”  
He looked so lost.

Nathan wanted to hug him again, but that would probably only make things worse. “Well if you ever can, or need hug therapy or something, you can come to me. Just so you know.”  
“Thanks Nathan, but it’s not going to happens. Sorries.”  
“Ah hey, no, don’t apologize. I’m just.... Shit, I’m making it worse, aren’t I?”  
Toki gave him an odd little smile.  
Skwisgaar had to offer too, “Yous can hangs out with me, or sometings. I doesn’t really hates you, you knows.”  
Toki nodded, “Ya I knows.”  
“So um, are we like, good?”  
“Ya Nathan, we’s good, but this conversation’s over. Oh, except we’s out of beer.” He held up his empty bottle, tilting it.  
Skwisgaar hopped out and grabbed some more.  
Business as usual.


End file.
